I didn’t really touch drugs until I was in my mid-twenties, I was working up north and although I was dabbling with coke at the time it wasn’t really my thing. I ended up moving back down south where I was originally from and one night I was round a mate’s flat and he offered me ketamine.
I’d had quite a bit of trauma in my early life and learned to live with that, but once I tried ketamine every thought process in my head went ‘this is amazing, I could do this again’. It masked the trauma and my anger, so I carried on doing it.
Quickly I had moved from doing half a gram, up past 4g or 5g a day, I didn’t stop and soon I was doing 15g a day.
I was able to speak and function and go out and work so carried on as normal. I’d go and wake the dealer up at 7am before work, go and do a whole day's work and then go back to buy more. In four months working for myself I made around £90k and had nothing to show for it.
I ended up spending a short time in prison and whilst I was inside started using Subutex. When I got out at the end of my sentence, I was clean for about six months but went to a party and tried ketamine again and that was that. It is a repetitive cycle.
I had some personal things going on and I thought why not. I was angry and ketamine helped masked the anger again. People were happy to give it to me to keep me calm and level-headed.
That went on for years, until my baby son was born. His mum made me stop and I did three years clean. Unfortunately, circumstances meant we separated and I went on a bender, getting caught once again under the influence.
Stupidly I had gone to a party and unknowingly drunk ketamine dissolved in a soft drink, causing me to crash my car on the way home. I can’t remember any of it and looking at the body cam footage, it is quite embarrassing, it scared me and I got a ban which affected me massively, but it didn’t teach me – when you are an addict, you’re an addict.
I started getting medical problems about three years ago. It was inevitable, you’re never going to get away with putting that amount in your body and not have problems.
There was this incredible pain in my bladder when it was ready to empty; it was like being tasered (I know because I have been tasered before). I have a high pain threshold, but this hurt and I ended up in hospital.
I was holding 17ml which is a fraction of what I should have been able to hold and was going every five minutes. At the time I thought that’s it now, I’m disabled. At work I had to wear shorts so I could pee in a bottle and throwing it. I felt like a tramp. Sad as it is, I still carry a bottle with me now in the car.
I was using ketamine to mask the pain but all the local dealers were warned off supplying me with anything, meaning I ended up travelling to other areas to buy, but it soon got to the point where I was making it worse and ended up in hospital again.
The tube between my bladder and kidneys was inflamed because of my use. They said I might need to use a colostomy bag, and I thought ‘there is no way I am spending the rest of my life with one of these’ and it made me think it was time to sort my life out.
I was going to be a grandad as well.
I woke up and thought I’m not doing this today, but it wasn’t easy.
I got into computer gaming. I would play up to 15 hours a day, not eating properly, just distracting myself and focussing on not taking ketamine. I didn’t want to leave the screen, then I didn’t want to leave the house.
I had anxiety for the first time in my life, and I thought ‘what have you done’. You try and sort one problem out and create another. My daughter came round and told me I had to get out, then it clicked I had to have a routine and live more healthily.
A few months ago, I got referred to specialists in Bristol but to do so, I’ve got to be six months clean and that’s how I got involved with SDAS.
It’s hard work and people are all different. I never used to talk about it before but it’s good to talk and it is easier to speak to people who have been there themselves. They talk to you like a person and have the knowledge. Being local I know some of the team and that has really helped.
I think in some ways I was lucky where I kept myself healthy. I drink a lot of water and that has really helped.
What’s more, I want to see my grandchildren. You have to have a goal. Why do I want to get off it? Mine is the kids. My kids are my world.
I've made a lot of money over the years and reckon I could have bought four or five houses outright. I’ve wasted every single penny getting wrecked on ketamine and living a stupid lifestyle. When you're in that hole you don’t care – it's depressing when you look back.
I don’t blame anyone as it was my own choice to take drugs and no one else, but I do feel for young people who are peer pressured. Seek support and speak to someone who has the experience has given up.
You have got to be strong, or you will never beat it. You must think today is the day.
Educate yourself and live healthily.